Note: Chris dictated this post to Linda this morning.
These things always get here sooner than we think they will. Planning ahead has not been our strong suit. We’ve gotten equipment in too late – case in point the assistive poles that arrived months after they could have been really useful.
Two nights ago, we started small doses of morphine which we probably should have started earlier (as the hospice nurse suggested) given back pain and other discomforts. I think Linda and I were both in denial that we were here so soon, realizing that starting morphine is one of the final steps in the dying process.
So now we’re here and discovering like most other things, it’s not a silver bullet (although the dose has just been increased). Even on morphine, we’re still miserable.
Heidi was here last Thursday and told Linda that I’d managed to fall off one cliff – that cliff being the dying cliff – and needed to fall off one more. I keep looking for the map to the next cliff. I keep looking for the “let go button” and can’t quite find it.
Linda thinks maybe I have gone off the next cliff, that my condition as deteriorated since Heidi was here. I hope she’s right. I’m so ready to fade to black.
My good friend and retired priest David Perry is arriving today. Among other things, he’ll administer last rites, which I’m hoping is the nudge I need to take the last step in departing this earth. I certainly feel I’m fading out…